Dear Past Me,
We are in fourth grade, around nine years old. This year you did online school for the first half, then in person the second. You reconnected with old friends that you haven’t seen or talked to in about a year, you were pretty excited for this. But, you got into your head too much- after not having people your age to talk to since March 2020 which was when the whole country shut down due to covid, you were desperate for friends. You did or said anything to please people, which is the worst thing to do.
Because of this, you were trampled over, people took advantage of your vulnerability. You walked around eggshells for everyone. You also experienced two very traumatic events. Our favorite uncle died, he was shot, this put a lot of weight on you. You didn’t know what to do. Then, your mom had a blood clot in her head which almost killed her, we didn’t want to lose our mom. Especially after losing our favorite uncle. This whole period of time was a blur, and it still is. I can only remember small pieces from this time. Nevertheless, you pushed through it and kept going.
This is how you should handle things, you can grieve, be sad, or even angry. But keep going. Life is not going to stop for you, time is not going to slow down for you. You will lose some people in your life who you thought would stay forever, whether they died or not. But you don’t beg for anybody to come back into your life, you don’t let anything stop you. The pain that we were and still are going through now, absolutely cannot compare to the joy and happiness we will feel later.
Speaking of your joy and happiness, don’t let anyone rob that from you. It’s yours. It doesn’t matter if they’re friends or family, don’t let anyone rot your energy. People who will make your energy rot are the people who are trying to steal it from you, they are leeches. An example of this is when in 5th grade. We had our whole friend group, it was a lot of drama. There were group chats with certain people not in some groupchats, and the whole purpose of them were to talk behind their back. You weren’t in one, and you found this out in 8th grade, you were a little shocked. But back to 5th grade, every summer from 4th through 5th you didn’t talk to anyone, you were lonely but at the same time you were at peace. You got ot think for yourself, you got to learn yourself. This shouldn’t have to be the case, when you’re away from your friends you shouldn’t feel relieved or happy. And you shouldn’t even associate with them because of this reason.. I never understood why, even when I was you. But I do understand at the same time because we’re still friends till this day. I love them but they aren’t good for me, you should never be around people who make you feel like this.
Don’t choose to hang out with someone because you “grew up together”, people change. No one is the same person they were eight years ago, especially if they were younger then. You don’t HAVE to be friends with anybody, be with people who make you forget about all of the bad things, who doesn’t judge everyone including you, people who make you feel less than. You realized that these people weren’t good for you, but you chose to keep being friends with them, why? It’s not worth it, no one is worth your peace. You want to hang out with the quiet group? Do it! Don’t be afraid to make changes, especially when it’s for your own good. And don’t let anyone make you feel like your choice wasn’t correct, they aren’t keeping you in the best interest- but themselves.
Also when things happen, sometimes you have no choice but to let it happen. So why do you stick on it forever and let it affect you so negatively? It is okay to grieve, to feel anger, sadness, loneliness. But you can’t stick on it forever, life goes on, time is not waiting on you. And instead of regretting something whether it was a good or bad choice, live with it. And if you can apologize for your faults, do it. Just as you want an apology, someone else might also. Stop being selfish, at the same time, stop being a people pleaser. You don’t have to be rude to everyone, but you don’t have to please everyone. Just as you would want your feelings to be taken into consideration, you should take others in too.
Life is too short to be stuck on someone or something, especially if it was a bad something. When something that was sweet goes sour and it ends, you don’t end yourself along with it. Instead you renew yourself, change yourself for the better. Your worth is not depending on what other people value you as in their lives. If people are treating you wrong and they’re just not your people anymore, find YOUR people. Because people who are for you will never turn on you, they will never betray you, they will never make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. Someone like this is my big sister, even though we fight a lot and argue, she always has my back. When I was arguing with someone who she used to be friends with, she had no problem to defend me, this is someone who you should be around. Someone who has your back no matter if the whole world is against you, because the world will then be against both of you. Also don’t let them gaslight you into thinking that you should forgive them or shouldn’t care or you’re in the wrong because they did good things to and for you in the past. You also did good to and for them, so how does their argument make sense? Don’t try to get your “get back” or revenge by trying to hurt them, because what goes around comes around for everyone including you. So let God do what God does best, let him fight, sacrifice, and protect you.
Do not seek revenge to harm someone in any way, shape, or form because that action will come back to you sooner or later. Instead, live life, it is far too short to be trying to be petty. When people see you doing good, it really agitates them, so do good in school, join clubs, get awards, meet new people, take care of yourself. Do it for YOU. You don’t have to prove to anyone else what you can be unless it is you that you’re trying to convince, and when you’re trying to convince yourself, provide evidence. Make it happen, don’t give up, keep fighting for you.
What I’m saying is to be you. If anyone has a problem with how you are, don’t change unless it’s an actual problem. Sometimes people just want to help while other times they are just being negative and really see a problem with themselves so they force their insecurities on you. If someone is always picking on you, then you say something back. Not everything needs a response but some things are too severe to ignore, so stick up for yourself. You’d be proud of how I am now, I need to work on certain things, but compared to what I let you go through in the past I am doing great. I wish that I would’ve done this sooner but you live and you learn, all of the things that we let people do to us I will never let that happen again. It’s hard to do that with friends especially when they kind of gang up on me but I’m starting to not care at all because real friends wouldn’t talk to you in any bad or negative way, I will always remember that and apply it to my life forever.
Journie Barney – Trinity High School – DMSF Class of 2029
Photo Credit: Journie Barney