Dear September 2019 Me,

Life brings obstacles, regrets, mistakes, it’s never easy and never will be. Even the most, so-called, perfect people can’t avoid these obstacles. Negative moments happen to everyone, everyone goes through different obstacles. Everyone has a story behind closed doors. It’s about what you take from it, how you choose to evolve from it. And for me, my story began on September 15, 2019. So this is to, dear September Jazzlyn….. 

This year has been quiet a lot, and trust me it gets harder, but along the way, you do get better. It’s hard, I know but this is what growing up is. It’s the obstacles life throws at you, and how you choose to take it. Amar is gone, he passed away. It’s time to accept it. No more checking every day if he’ll text back. No more waiting by his house on your way walking home after school. You need to stop blaming yourself, I can’t tell you if the feeling of guilt or blame will ever stop. I’m still working on it, making progress every day. I am aware it feels like it’s your fault. You continue thinking of all the possible outcomes of that day. If something could change the events. Maybe if he didn’t visit you that day, that he’d still be alive. You will never know because it wasn’t in your control. He was struggling. Fighting cancer as long as he could, there was no way you knew what was going to happen. 

This is hard for everyone, everyone is going through it. Yes, the day he visited you, you weren’t home. Yes, on his way home from your house he fell and the fall activated something in cancer. But think about this, what does this constant blame and pain help with? Nothing. His family doesn’t hate you or blame you. In fact when you finally visit they take you in with open arms, hug you, and talk for hours about the memories. They make jokes about how Amar was in love with you. How he used to always wanna see you, even when he was going through chemo. So if his family can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself. 

Now I know so many emotions are going on, and Amar passing isn’t the only thing causing everything to fall apart. The people at school are talking about you behind your back, the girls are calling you cruel names. You stopped hanging out with the boys because you don’t want the girls to give you a reputation you don’t deserve. You’re losing a lot of friends that you’ve known since you were five because all of a sudden everyone hates you and you don’t know why. It’s become a trend to hate you, people making up things, slut-shaming you even though you haven’t done anything. People have stopped talking to you cause they said you’ve changed. You’re constantly sad and quiet, they miss the old happy Jazzlyn, now you just bring the mood down.

Aaliyah, the only person you have left, moved and you don’t know how to deal with everything by yourself. Miguel, your biological dad, is trying to come into your life now and you don’t know what to do. He hasn’t cared about you for 14 years and now he wants to call you. He doesn’t know your birthday or age. He barely acknowledged you existed, you had to deal with the pain of being the girl who’s biological dad didn’t want her. It’s all a lot at once.

It gets better, you make new friends from Lily and Kiera’s cheer team, and you start talking to the boys again. They all missed you, you got your guy friends back. You make new guy friends, a bunch of people from the school Dever Elementary. They accept you for who you are, don’t call you names because you have guy friends, don’t judge you for your mental health. They are super accepting, you have the best moments with them even with Corona virus going on. Oh yeah, school gets canceled for the rest of the year because of a virus outbreak. Don’t worry many things get canceled, but graduation was still a lot of fun. 

You lost a lot of people, but you gained purpose, self-worth, people who truly care about you. Losing Amar is still hard, I think it always will be and sometimes you still blame yourself but it’s getting better. You chose to live when no one else knew you were fighting to. You did it, everything is still new for me, so I can’t promise it will stay this good. It’s only July for me, but remember it has gotten better. Accept the pain, everything, Amar dying, people leaving your life, Miguel not being a father and he never will be, that is who he is. Accept it and learn from it, that’s all you can do and that’s my best advice to you. You will find your way, just be patient, I love you, and you are good enough.

Jazzlyn Santana – DMSF