Diary To My Younger Self…

(Us= Present and past J—, You= Past self, I= Present self)

Dear J—,

I know you still love our dad but I don’t want you to get too attached to him. See you will soon learn that Pops is a liar & promise breaker. Of course you don’t understand this now because you are too young. Do you remember the times that GaGa would whoop us for no reason and we would beg and plead for him to do something about it and he never did? That’s called neglect.

Oh actually do you remember the time he promised to take you to England to go see your favorite soccer club and he never followed up on that? That’s called lying and promise breaking. These things hurt us. We were depressed (in deep sadness) for months. We almost took our life because of the mental abuse he gave us & also because of the negligence we dealt with from him.

Later on in life we stopped going to see pops. He made promises like how he wanted us to move to North Carolina with him and just like the promise about England he never followed up. He got my hopes up that me and him would have a different lifestyle and stronger relationship. I soon learned and understood that it was just him lying to me about his dreams and goals that he never reached. I got too attached to him and that idea of us doing better together.

Now understand that these aren’t the only things he did. He was horrible to our mother. He still is from time to time. Do you ever think about that day where they got into a heated argument about us and how he ended up giving my mother the middle finger? That type of behavior carried on but through text and calls. I could understand the stress he put my mother through because of her facial expressions & actions. Also overhearing the calls and arguments was very sickening. There was also a period that I stopped seeing him because I felt that I needed to detach from him. Although it was very difficult to make this decision I came to terms with the idea and realized that it was very much needed.

Now during this period I grew very depressed and didn’t know how to deal with it. I almost took my life with a tie, Knife, rope, and my own hands. I thought music would help and it did for only a little while. I just felt like I wasn’t enough for my dad because even though I made the decision to stop seeing him, I still felt like he should’ve reached out or made an effort in seeing me. I started going into therapy and my therapist recommended journaling and it was working. I felt better about the situation I was currently dealing with. Being able to journal about how I felt and getting all of my thoughts on paper felt empowering.

Soon after journaling I found a passion of mine to be soothing, that passion being soccer. So when I was in practice and working out alone I felt calm. Soccer got my mind off things and I was glad I found an escape. After a couple of months of me doing these things I didn’t care about the past and me and my dad’s relationship as much as I used to. I soon understood that I can’t let him control my happiness. I found this out through music, journaling and finding a passion for soccer (football).

So what I’m saying is that if you need ways to overcome anxiety for any reason whether it’s because of dad or if it’s because of school just do what you find pleasurable. Like I said, for me it’s journaling and playing soccer, but for you it can be drawing and dancing. So remember don’t let anyone dictate your happiness and keep those ways to de stress with you throughout life.

From J—

Anonymous – DMSF Class of 2027