I’ll Never Be the Same Again

 To my younger self;

I hate how much you have changed me completely. From being the bright and loving child, to a person who stopped caring about everything. We used to be a person who loved dressing in colorful clothing, putting on dresses and putting bows in our hair. Being the child who used to beg to go outside and roll around in the grass, exploring the beauties of nature. We used to be the person who wasn’t afraid of making friends with everyone that we met, or giving a bright smile to someone who needed it. Now I’ll never be that me again.You’ve turned us into a completely different person. To which my mom always says when looking at old photos, “Where’s my cheerful daughter that used to be happy all the time”or “Why can’t you go back to being the daughter who loved dressing like a young lady?’’ I despise the place you have put me in and more importantly I hate what you put us through. All because you focused so much on trying to be like everyone else. You chose to seek all this attention, you chased after everyone’s approval, which you did not need. You cared so much about what others thought about you. You cared. You always cared. And that’s your problem.

Being around fake people that eventually got up and left you, being behind created a sense that you needed to try harder to be noticed. The more you stuck around with those fake people, the more your perspective changed on others. People turned against each other, and they somehow convinced you that the real ones were the bad guys. Everyone just had a war back and forth. You got stuck in the middle of everything, and it caused you so much stress that you completely shut down. The attention you sought for quickly turned against you. Not focusing on your responsibilities, your grades started slipping and your mind started going into a dark place.

Once that started happening our whole personality changed. That affected us the most and it still does till this day. You began pushing away the people that actually cared for you. Our family relationships started falling apart, even feeling uncomfortable when a family member hugged you. Isolating yourself in your room, coming up with excuses not to go out. Feeling jealous every time you saw friends hanging out without you because they figured you were “too busy” to hang out. Everyone just started replacing you, even your so-called “best friend”, who I dropped a while ago because I realized how toxic they were. They would always play the victim in every situation and even talk about us behind our back. Not to mention we lost trust with everyone, except with someone we thought would never backstab us because we had so much in common. We could talk to each other about our problems. We were too gullible ,do to everything that had happened, and we missed what they had done. They too had done something unforgivable and spread rumors that weren’t even true. I am honestly surprised at how long I kept the relationship with these two people for so long, until they ruined it.

You developed social anxiety, making it a lot harder for me to communicate with people. I get overwhelmed easily, even a small glance of judgment from someone can cause me to overthink. This all sticks with me to this day.

If I knew how much this would affect our lives I would go back and redo everything. We missed so many opportunities. The guilt and self doubt still weighs over my shoulders. If I could go back now, I would tell you how much you needed to get your stuff together, help you understand that you did not need to be perfect, and you did not need to prove your worth to anyone.

Although I still have this doubt of putting myself out there again. In fear that it might make me seem like an attention seeker once more. I’m still trying though…

I hate you for what you have made me become, destroying yourself so you could please others. I hate you, I hate this feeling. I understand that hate is a strong word to use, but it’s the only one that describes how I feel towards you. However, we are human and we make mistakes. Stupid ones at most. I can’t hate you forever though. I can’t just sit here in this empty void holding grudges. I have to move on eventually. There is always a reason as to why these things happen, there’s always a reason, I just can’t seem to figure out why. I know I will one day and I’ll finally be able to understand everything.

I’m trying my hardest to forgive you little by little. You make me want to be better. You make me want to work on myself. Even though this is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I’m doing it. I wish you could see my progress. I hope you’re proud of me. Hopefully one day I can forgive you. I can’t make any promises on that though.

I can promise you one thing. 

We are going to be okay.

We are going to make it.

Take care. 

Alyssa Adame – Nazareth Academy – DMSF Class of 2027

Tagged with: