Ever took some time to stop and think? What about your anger? What was the cause? Who was at fault? Was it you, or did you force yourself to believe it was you? Should you place that blame, the reason to be mad at, all that inner anger on yourself? Think about it.
A look into Self-Directed Anger
Anger is something everyone feels, and often arises for different reasons. Sometimes we make mistakes when we feel angry. Sometimes, something else happened to someone in our lives making us upset. Our anger can be caused for lots of reasons, it doesn’t necessarily mean we should target ourselves for the reason we are mad over. This anger may also possibly be towards only yourself because of those strong feelings of anger towards you that bottles up. Sometimes maybe we don’t notice that, and that can be such a big issue in many ways.
Saying your reason for something happened and getting mad afterwards is a bad decision. When self-inflicted anger starts, it may take a long time to end. It’s unhealthy if you just let it stay as it can lead up to mental issues. Your reason for anger will soon also turn into stress, sadness, depression, overall just drained feelings. Then you’ll reach other deeper emotions, like self-hatred or constantly seeing yourself lower to others. That negativity will sink in to where it’s a trapped feeling. It’s like being trapped in a box, drowning you with the weight of your negative emotions.
My experience with Self-Directed Anger
I wanted to write this as anger is sometimes extremely mentally draining if not handled well, and I have lots of issues related to my own self-directed anger that made me feel this was a good topic to write about. For example, one time I was mad at myself for how people in my life make bad decisions. Then I got mad at another thing to target myself for, how stupid I was in the past. Another issue bothered me, then again and again and again. It came to where I normalised my anger to go to myself, and that anger was strong. I’m still learning how to be less angry towards myself but it didn’t help when I constantly tried to deal with this while I wasn’t calm one bit. I could barely think positively about myself at those times. I was just too upset and filled within my own negativity, bubbling inside as if it was boiled water. I don’t exactly remember how I calmed down, but it took time. I didn’t increase the self blame or anger, just plopped down somewhere and thought about my life. That was one way to deal with it, just calm down and distract yourself. However, this isn’t my only way of coping. I overthink a lot where something doesn’t leave my mind that easy, so I have another solution.
If that first solution also won’t work for you as it didn’t completely help me, I’d recommend talking about your self-directed anger if possible!Bottling anger up is bad in general but if the anger is towards yourself you’re bringing yourself down too mentally. It’s not easy to talk about it, I know. It’s my second solution to cope however, and can be very effective. I always thought that I was in the wrong for possibly even considering that it’s not my fault. I lashed out at a friend yet I didn’t mean to get angry at him. I wanted to let him know it wasn’t his fault I’m mad, I told him it was my fault instead. Then it turned into me telling him about my self-directed anger issues. Letting out most of it did more than I thought it would, it’s like I just released all of that anger(and other emotions). Having someone that you trust and know is there for you is a nice way to get confirmation and comfort. I realized in those certain situations, it wasn’t my fault for being mad thanks to that guy. Just consider who to talk to as well, you’d want to pick the right person that’s trustable.
Researching deep in
Using two articles for research, let me prove even more why you shouldn’t blame yourself automatically for your reasons of anger:
First up is this article, How Self-Blame Can Harm You, gets deep into the topic of self blame. It mentions how self blame is a negative way to handle certain situations in one’s life, with two different types of self blame(behavior or low-self esteem) An example/reason of how this being bad was “Criticizing decisions you have made in the past”. Stuff like this can make others angry with themselves. The thing is though, this article doesn’t mention the topic of anger, or why specifically anger is something we shouldn’t put to ourselves. I decided to add it as blaming yourself for a situation happening when angry is still a form of self blame. Self blame- well… you see where that gets you. The point is that it helps prove we shouldn’t have self directed anger as it’ll be the same as self blame.
This article, “How To Stop Being So Damn Angry At Yourself”, talks about how hurtful it is to be angry at yourself. I’ll focus more on these sections mentioned, “Self-directed anger is often useless and illogical—and it keeps you stuck” and 4 included solutions to coping. First, the self-directed anger part mostly includes details I’ve mentioned already. However, it gives possible reasons to why we may have self anger, and a more detailed explanation to how it grows. For example, young kids who don’t fully understand the world yet may be yelled at by a lot of adults. The children will believe that they’re yelling because it’s their own fault, and may feel angry with themselves as they grow up with that same mindset. Although I have already put how I dealt with my own self-directed anger/how I coped, the article mentioned more solutions to this in a better explanation. I’ll put a simple definition to the coping ideas below:
1. Thinking more deeply about your anger: When did you feel mad, and what do you feel when you’re mad? Find out if it’s affecting you badly.
For example: When we have “friends” who leave you out, or overall a terrible friend, often we may come to a conclusion that it’s our fault for not being likeable enough. Take a moment to see if that’s true. Maybe there’s more you’re not considering? Pondering for some time made you realize those friends always treated you badly, you’re not mad or upset at yourself now!
2. Try to not think about your anger for a moment: Do stuff that calms you down so you can properly think.
For example: Ever got yelled at by your parents where you feel guilty, but mad? Don’t let the anger rise more, just lay somewhere and sleep, or play games. Whatever distracts the best, just not letting it all get to your head. Guess what? After a while you thought about your situation, and didn’t feel angry so you could calmly think about it!
3. Don’t stay stuck on a topic: Knowing the solution to every detail isn’t always necessary as it may cause overthinking.
For example: If someone decided to blame you for a group project getting a bad score where you believed it. Should you dwell on this topic? At the end of the day, everyone can still get their grades up in our ways. Don’t let one bad project make you feel internal rage. After a week you don’t worry about who’s fault it was but instead just move on with no more anger.
4. Talking to others about it or doing self-care: Support can go a long way to help mental issues, and telling yourself kind messages is great too!
For example: After messing up on your words so many times during your class presentation, you get really mad at yourself. You decided to ask your friend in your class how you did, and how you feel like you kept stuttering. She admits there was stuttering, but your presentation did great. Your friend gives advice on how to improve on presenting for the future, releasing that inner anger inside!
DISCLAIMER!!!
I want to say how you DON’T have to follow all of these types of coping mechanisms, whether it’s from the articles or my own experience. People handle and do things differently. If these solutions don’t fit for you, or seem okay without it being your exact best interest, try finding your own ways! You know yourself best, so you’ll know what works. Just make sure it actually helps instead of making everything worse however.
Well, how are we feeling?
My article was to help people realize if they have/had self-directed anger.. Well, did it help?
I truly hope anyone reading felt some kind of reflection as my reason for writing this is to make people realize. Maybe others know when they’re not in the wrong, maybe they don’t know. The point is awareness, and feeling like you can relate to this. Overall, this is just to know how self-blamed anger is a big issue that can be rather harmful. People know themselves best, so if this is something you’re dealing with, try and see what coping mechanisms work for you!
Devi Nguyen – The Chicago Academy for the Arts – DMSF Class of 2029
Photo Credit: Devi Nguyen